Now before you all comment on how tasteless I am, remember, everybody does it and nobody likes it.
And since internet commenters vent about far more trivial garbage that often doesn't even concern them, I think it's fair to spend a few minutes talking about something we can all relate to, regardless of how tasteless it may be.
1. We All Have to Go Some Time
No matter who you are, how rich/poor, young/old, no matter your race, gender, or culture... EVERYBODY does it.
Most people do it at least once a day. Think about all the time you've spent perched over a hole, waiting, straining, hurting, anticipating that movement. Sometimes we try to make it better by the distraction of electronics or reading materials, often prolonging the experience. Think of all the times when we've had to go and not had a way to relieve ourselves, like during a road trip, or while somewhere that doesn't have facilities.
Think of that desperate time you couldn't wait and had to use a bus/plane/train restroom, an outhouse/portable-toilet, or just the outdoors itself.
If I had 3 wishes, although it wouldn't be one at the top of the list, you can bet one of them would include never having to poop again.
The fact is, we all go but nobody wants to.
2. Going with the Flow
There are several types of movement, none of which are pleasant, but some are worse than others:
- The Regular
This is that stuff that is supposed to be "the most healthy", that can happen 2-4 times a day. You've probably been eating a balanced diet, and since no good deed goes unpunished, enjoy wiping 20 times especially if you end up with that "brown crayon" stuck in limbo. This is also the most likely to get on you no matter how careful you are or how much toilet paper you have between your hand and the dirty area.
- The Log
This one often comes from eating a lot of dense food, carbs, and protein and a general lack of fiber. It's usually accompanied by constipation. The good news is one movement will take care of you for the whole day (or more). And as a bonus, when you wipe you're usually already clean (unless you're bleeding).
- The Cow Pie
You're eating you're veggies... maybe too many. It's basically a thick milkshake. Not too hard to clean up after, but you might want to use the wet wipes. You now smell like a baby diaper change session before and after wiping.
- The Big D
Basically liquid, like a soup broth (with or without little bits). Accompanied often by terrible abdominal pain and/or "fire in the hole", you either ate something you shouldn't have, you're sick, or the universe just hates you. One of the most hellish natural experiences imaginable.
- Dishonorable mentions
The Shart (breaking wind that isn't wind), Explosive D (Big D, plus gas, plus a huge mess to clean up), The Carrie (Blood... better get that looked at), The WTF ("I don't remember eating that", or "I think that's a gallstone"), The Horror (any combination of Fire in the hole, hemorrhoids, constipation, Big D, or any of the others that cause discomfort or pain).
In the end, we can't really do anything about it but make sure we are trying to be healthy.
Make sure to monitor what your stool is doing so you can help keep your body strong and in good condition... you know, so you can spend another 60 years in the bathroom.
(Also wash your hands!)